3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
