guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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