the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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