Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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