All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
