i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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