I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
