we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
