I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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