Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
