my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He has the fingertips of a God
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
