So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
