The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
