moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
