watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
