Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
