I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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