sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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