Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just had sex on a roof
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
