There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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