I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
