Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
