The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize