Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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