Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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