I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
