closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
then he tried to convert me to islam
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
