you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize