just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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