A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize