During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
