I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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