ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize