One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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