My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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