Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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