Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
