Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
