when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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