u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
