I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize