apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
