I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
