I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
