So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize