If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
