there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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