I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
