____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
