I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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