Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
