does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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