Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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