he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
