he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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