Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
