feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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