he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
