there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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