I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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