i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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