I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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