I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I met the friendliest cop last night
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize