Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
