I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
