I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
