i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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