Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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